Worcestershire v Surrey (New Road) – 16, 17 & 19 August 1991

The Day I met Basil D’Oliveira


The Morning Session

On Monday 19th of August 1991, Surrey began the third and final day of this County Championship match on 132-2 in their second innings – still 84 runs behind having conceded a huge first innings deficit.

A batting line-up featuring Darren Bicknell, Alec Stewart and Graham Thorpe had been bowled out for just 185 on the first day thanks largely to a five wicket haul from a man named Ian Botham. In reply Worcester declared on 401-9 after big scores from Graeme Hick (145), Tim Curtis (98) and that man Botham again (61).

There was nothing unusual about the fact that the Worcestershire team of the early 90s were dominating a match, but there was something different about that Monday in August because in the crowd, a hundred miles from home and attending his first ever live County Cricket match, was a twelve-year-old Keiwit. I was already a huge Worcestershire fan by this time and Keiwit Senior had been invited to watch the day’s play (corporate hospitality). Since it was the school holidays I begged to be allowed to tag along.

So while my dad went off to meet his work people in another part of the ground I took my seat on the long-on boundary behind Graham Dilley’s famous angled run up. Dilley, a hero of mine since I first watched the highlights video of Botham’s Ashes, took the first wicket of the day as Worcestershire set about trying to wrap up the Surrey innings.

It was a quiet morning session; the Surrey batsmen dug in and challenged the bowlers to break them down. I went for a wander to explore the ground and ate a half-melted Kitkat from my Watford FC lunchbox but otherwise I hardly took my eyes off the cricket. It was going to be a very good day.

At the lunch interval all the kids, including me, poured onto the outfield and impromptu cricket games started up at every point on the boundary. I remember taking a routine catch to end the innings of a small girl but otherwise all aspects of my performance have been lost in the passing of time.

The Afternoon Session

At some point during the afternoon, I’m not exactly sure when, my dad made his way over to see me. He had in his hand a small, cream-coloured card which he told me to fasten onto my clothing. The card had gold lettering and I know exactly what it said because it’s on the table next to me:

WORCESTERSHIRE

C. C. C.

19 GUEST 91

MARQUEE

DATE. 19 AUG 1991

I gathered my belongings and followed him to the far side of the ground, past the pavilion and into the Members Enclosure. At the entrance to the marquee a security man checked my little card and once we were allowed in my dad led me to a table where a group of men were sitting. One of the men was introduced to me as Basil D’Oliveira.

Now, at that time I knew that England didn’t play cricket against South Africa and I knew it was something to do with skin colour. But I didn’t know the background to it and I had no idea of the extent to which it involved the smiling gentleman sitting in front of me. (If you don’t already know about the cancelled tour of 1968, the selection controversy involving Tom Cartwright and the anti-apartheid demonstrations then there are many better places to read about them than here.)

In fact, at that exact moment if you’d asked me what I knew about Basil D’Oliveira I would most likely have replied that he was the father of Worcestershire batsman Damian D’Oliveira.

Anyway, in brief: unable to play first class cricket in his native South Africa Basil D’Oliveira came over to England with the help of journalist John Arlott in 1960 and quickly made a success of it. He went on to play 41 Tests for England (the same number as Graham Dilley) and scored five centuries.

D’Oliveira’s birth date is commonly stated as 4th October 1931 meaning he was 35 when he first played for England in 1966. However he has admitted that he lied about his age to improve his chances of playing Test Cricket. He might have actually been 38 or even 40 when he made his debut, almost old enough to play for RUASCC.

He played domestic cricket for Worcestershire and, in later years, became Coach. Then at New Road on the 19th of August 1991 he sat with my dad over lunch and they had a chat. When he learned that I was also at the ground he insisted I was given a pass to the Members Enclosure.

And that’s why I was standing in front of him. He asked if I was enjoying the game, he said he heard I was a Worcestershire supporter and, to my great delight, he gave me a Worcestershire CCC photograph and team sheet signed by all the players. It was, as my 12-year-old self might have said, “The Best Thing Ever”.

And then just when I thought it couldn’t get any better he said we should help ourselves to the scones.

Meanwhile, there was still a cricket match going on and Surrey were proving difficult to dislodge; the scorecard tells me that Ian Greig made 72 and Keith Medlycott also scored a fifty. Medlycott later spent a good deal of the evening session fielding on the boundary by the marquee so his was another autograph I collected that day. Sadly he had to retire at the end of the 1991 season aged only 26 but he went on to be a successful coach for Surrey.

The Evening Session

Eventually, after a brief rain delay, Stuart Lampitt picked up his fifth wicket and Surrey were dismissed for 360 leaving Worcestershire a target of 145 in 29 overs – a ridiculously simple task by today’s Twenty20 standards but by no means a foregone conclusion at the time.

The chase began badly – openers Curtis and Bent were both out cheaply – but Hick was in imperious form, belting sixes into the pavilion off none other than Pakistan legend Waqar Younis. My abiding memory of the day is how well Hick batted. On my birthday earlier that year I had been given my first cricket bat – a Graeme Hick “405” bat – and it was such a privilege to watch him play so majestically.

Waqar Younis, evidently unhappy about getting spanked, ripped out the middle order with three quick wickets; the ball that bowled Botham for a duck was so fast I couldn’t even see it. But despite this setback, Worcester charged on and even though Medlycott picked up two late wickets, including Hick for 85, the home side won by three wickets with a little time to spare.

I remember almost nothing after the moment victory was sealed. I imagine we applauded the players off the pitch; I certainly like to think we got the chance to thank Basil D’Oliveira for such a fabulous day before we left the ground. I don’t remember the drive home or much that happened for the rest of the summer.

The signed team sheet took pride of place on my wall. Twenty years on I still have it. It’s rather faded now, I’m afraid, but it still bears the signatures of Graeme Hick, Tom Moody, Ian Botham, Steven Rhodes, Richard Illingworth and many others including most poignantly Graham Dilley and, right there at the bottom, the wonderful Basil D’Oliveira.

***********

I remember much of this story as if it had happened yesterday, but for assistance with some of the finer details I am very thankful to the creators of this page:
http://stats.thecricketer.com/Scorecards/54/54787.html

Greys Green (H) – 3.9.11

RUASCC 219-2
Baker 103 not out, Carpenter 70

Greys 216-3
Baker 2-31, Zia 1-70

Match drawn

Exciting times! Our first home match of the season on the perfect batting track at Reading University! Dry as a bone and flat as a road, it brings to mind those Test Matches on the sub-continent where Rahul Dravid patiently compiles 651 not out against a tiring Sri Lankan spin attack who’ve bowled upward of a thousand overs. The Reading pitch is no friend to the bowler and so it proved as only five wickets fell for 435 runs and we saw two unbeaten centuries, including RUASCC’s first ton of the season.

Tranter lost the toss and we were asked to bat first, a prospect welcomed by our batting-rich team (in-form Malde at seven, Zia at eight!) Opening the innings was Dr Eagle who had just scored an unbeaten century for Kidmore End, but he put that temporary blip behind him and got straight back to business with a six-ball duck. Johnny Baker was hardly dressed in time but came in to join Carpenter with the score at 0-1.

The last time these two batted together was at Aldsworth where they put on 73. After 18 overs here they surpassed that total, building a solid foundation against decent bowling from Howles, Shafqat and Skilliter. After 20 overs they upped the pace: Carpenter moved to 48 with an enormous straight six (big boundaries at Reading!) and was the first of the two to reach fifty with a pushed single into the off-side. Baker reached his fify with his seventh four then Carpenter went on the attack, taking 14 from a single Shafqat over including another massive six over wide mid-on.

With the score at 145 Carpenter finally perished, caught on the cover boundary for a brilliant 70 which included six fours as well as the two maximums. Baker carried on the charge and hit a huge six of his own to reach 80 while Rupert Loader, playing his first RUASCC game of the year, found his feet at the other end. Skilliter returned but struggled with his length and Baker picked him off for more boundaries, eventually bringing up his century with his fourteenth four tucked away towards the pavilion where his teammates gave him a great ovation.

20 runs came from the last two overs as RUASCC reached 219-2 with Loader looking increasingly assured on 27 not out. The third wicket stand was an unbroken 74.

Greys need 220 runs to win

After a sensational Patel family tea RUASCC took to the field and Withers bowled three consecutive maidens in the early stages but the Greys openers would not be dislodged. The opening stand passed fifty before the first change brought the first wicket – and it was that man Johnny Baker again, clean bowling Skilliter for 22. Number three Holroyd gave the ball a damn good thump, hitting six fours before he was deceived by Baker’s slower ball. Howles didn’t last long before he clipped Zia’s worst ball of the day, a leg-side full toss, to Rupert Loader at square leg but any hopes of a RUASCC win were effectively ended by the arrival of Mo Shafqat.

Shafqat scored 98 in our first meeting this season and he joined opener Butler who by now had reached fifty with relative ease. Baker collapsed screaming in agony while attempting to bowl the final ball of his seventh over and for a moment it looked like he might have to make another trip to A&E – fortunately it turned out to be (merely) crippling cramp in both legs, which was actually quite funny once we realised nothing was broken. Baker left the field and was replaced by Ashman dressed from head to toe in cricketing blue while Tranter completed the over (one ball for one run).

After 26 overs Greys were 116-3 and needed 104 to win from the final 12, but with a draw looking a certainty RUASCC began to unravel and lost control of the game. The batsmen picked up twos with shots directly to fielders and were comfortably scoring the nine or ten an over they needed to keep the chase interesting. Young Ben Loader bowled a decent spell (5 overs, 0-22) but four overs from Chan and Dersh went for 42 as Butler reached his hundred and suddenly Greys needed a very gettable 39 from four overs.

This was reduced further to 18 from two but Withers kept his nerve to restrict the penultimate over to just six runs. Zia stepped up to bowl the final over and five runs came from the first three balls before a welcome dot ball calmed everyone’s nerves a bit. Needing eight to win Greys could only manage three more runs to finish on 216-3 - a thrilling finish for those who enjoy that particular brand of agony.

RUASCC Highlights: The 145 run stand between Baker and Carpenter, the three enormous sixes (two from Carpenter, one from Baker) and the full toss from Skilliter helped to the square leg boundary that brought Johnny Baker his century.

RUASCC Man of the Match: John Baker.

RUASCC Team: Eagle, Carpenter, Baker, R Loader, Dersh, Dip (wkt), Malde, Zia, Tranter (capt), B Loader, Withers

Fulmer (A) – 13.8.11

Fulmer 244-3
Tranter 1-12, Jagesh 1-46

RUASCC 140-8
Dip 67, Zia 25

RUASCC lost by 104 runs

Back to Berkshire and back to reality for RUASCC this week as we faced Fulmer in a new fixture and got well and truly humped in a limited-overs game at a picturesque ground just north of Slough. The day was overcast but warm and when Tranter lost the toss we were, as usual, asked to field first.

It looked bad from the outset. 25 runs came from the first two overs and although Jagesh and Withers were eventually able to bring the run rate down to below 12 the Fulmer openers scored heavily, punishing all of the loose balls and several of the tight ones too. Neither looked in any trouble at all until Ali tried to reverse sweep Pensioner Ken’s third ball and was hopelessly bowled for 43 – one wicket given away, but Fulmer had almost 200 on the board before they lost another.

Zia found a couple of edges that went into gaps in the field, including one that went very high and landed next to wicketkeeper Dip who’d lost sight of it, and Tranter dropped a slip catch via his face. The frustration continued as Dr Ashman served up a full toss that was lofted straight to Ken Stewart at deep backward square leg but the old man watched in despair as the ball wriggled free and hit the turf. Some expert shot placement brought fifties for both batsmen before Jagesh returned to remove Shyma for 53, well caught by Dr Ashman at mid off.

Field accelerated and hit 20 off one over from Stewart on his way to becoming the fifth opposition player to score a century against RUASCC this year. The onslaught continued but with the field spread we did at least manage to contain the boundaries in the final stages. Then in the 40th over Tranter picked up the third wicket as the Fulmer innings ended on 244-3.

RUASCC need 245 runs to win

RUASCC made a dreadful start when Carpenter was bowled first ball and two overs later Eagle was caught in the gully for 5 as what had appeared to be the perfect batting track when we were bowling suddenly became riddled with demons as balls spun, swung and seamed all over the place.

Dip and Zia played positively and got the scoreboard ticking along but Tamoor soon took his third wicket: Zia bowled for 25. Dersh joined his brother but after carefully playing himself in he chipped the ball up to mid off and was easily caught. With nearly 200 still needed for the win and a very long tail to follow the outcome of the match already had a depressing air of inevitability about it and there was little but pride to play for.

Rahul played a couple of lovely shots before he was bowled and Skipper Tranter was run out by a direct hit when going for a risky single, but Dip continued to accumulate and he reached an excellent fifty with another swipe to leg. Then just as we were willing him to push on and get a ton he made an injudicious dash down the wicket to the leg spinner and was stumped by some distance. A fine innings from RUASCC’s Little Master.

Jagesh had just managed to reach double figures when he became the eighth wicket to fall on 120 so it was down to Withers and Pensioner Ken to find 125 runs in the seven overs remaining. With nothing to lose Withers dusted off a couple of attacking shots and almost finished Ken off with an all-run four thanks to an overthrow. Stewart had gone a curious shade of grey by the time he saw out a final maiden over as RUASCC finished on 140-8 to lose by a great many runs. Withers survived a huge appeal in the penultimate over to end on 17 not out, more than doubling his season’s tally.

Our embarrassment was complete when the home captain admitted in the bar afterwards that he had refrained from using their best bowler, a very diplomatic way of telling us that he knew perfectly well exactly how shit we are. I wonder if England have considered pulling Jimmy Anderson out of the attack to give India a chance next time.

RUASCC Highlight: Pensioner Ken completing an all-run four. Meaningless in the context of the game, but it did at least shut him up for a few minutes.

RUASCC Man of the Match: It can only be Dip for his first decent knock of the season.

RUASCC Team: Eagle, Carpenter, Dip (wkt), Zia, Dersh, Rahul, Jagesh, Tranter (capt), Withers, Stewart, Ashman

England v India (2nd Test, Day 2, Trent Bridge) – 30.7.11

It’s been a busy couple of weeks, what with tour and everything, so my report from Trent Bridge has been slightly delayed. The bulk of this was written on Sunday 31st July (i.e. after day 3) so I have added a few editorial nudges.

* * * * * * * * * * *

If, like me, you only go to one day of live Test cricket each year, my advice is to make sure you choose a day that produces 288 runs, 10 wickets, a ton, two fifties and a blistering Stuart Broad hatrick that rips the roof off the stadium halfway through the final session. Otherwise I’m afraid it hardly seems worth it.

We felt a little while ago that these tickets would give us a decent chance of witnessing Sachin Tendulkar’s 100th international hundred and in accordance with Eagle’s specific instructions India began the second day’s play at Trent Bridge with one wicket down and the Little Master waiting to come in…

Morning Session

After several hours in the car we took our seats in the Radcliffe Road Stand at long-off/fine leg with two of the game’s finest batsmen, Rahul Dravid and VVS Laxman, at the crease. Four successive balls were dispatched to the boundary as Anderson and Broad struggled to find the right length but Strauss kept his attacking field which meant that on the fast outfield any well-placed shot went all the way – and there were some very well-placed shots in the first hour. Laxman brought up his fifty with his tenth four, driven through extra cover, and just when it seemed there was no hope for England, along came Big Tim Bresnan.

(Ed: Of the six people in our group I was the only one who thought the selectors were right to bring in Bresnan instead of Steve Finn. Now I’m not saying that Steve Finn definitely wouldn’t have taken five wickets and scored 90 in the second innings, but I’m mightily pleased that Big Bres did.)

Anyway, Bresnan got one to bounce and move away from Laxman who very kindly edged it behind to Matt Prior and the partnership was finally broken. That wicket brought in Sachin Tendulkar to a standing ovation from the Trent Bridge crowd, many of whom were willing him to reach that century landmark. Then a slightly odd period of play before lunch saw Kevin Pietersen and Jonathan Trott bowling at Dravid and Tendulkar - unsurprisingly there were no more wickets.

Afternoon Session

The return of the proper bowlers after lunch seemed to put a spark back into the England team and Tendulkar’s promising innings was cut short when he edged to Strauss at first slip. So no hundredth hundred this time, but for all we know it might have been the sixteenth time he’s scored 16.

The news just kept getting better for England: after Sachin’s dismissal Raina never looked comfortable and guided a wide long hop straight to Morgan at point, then Jonathan Trott landed painfully on his shoulder while fielding in the covers and was unable to bowl again. But just as it seemed England were really on top, Yuvraj Singh slashed Broad to gully and KP put it down. At this point India were still 80 runs behind but over the next hour and a half that missed chance looked as if it would prove costly.

Spurred on by the loud, irritating twat on the balcony behind us, Dravid and Yuvraj put on 128 runs spanning the tea interval. Dravid scored plenty in the vacant third man region (as did Bell the next day and many others in this game) and brought up his 34th Test hundred with a sweep off Graeme Swann who, like Jimmy Anderson, bowled well below his best and leaked runs all over the wicket. Swann didn’t seem to pose any kind of threat and his 12 overs cost 76 runs on a wicket that rendered Harbhajan Singh equally pointless for the tourists.

Yuvraj, having been dropped on four, passed fifty as India breezed past England’s first innings total and looked set to bat well into the weekend.

Evening Session

As enjoyable as Indian’s batting had been we all agreed that the day would be made a whole lot better if England could manage a really good session - nothing beats a good batting collapse after all. The period of play after tea was initially uneventful but then the bowlers got the boost they needed: the new ball.

Stuart Broad had been rested during the afternoon lull and he returned to the attack with fire in his eyes and steel in his balls. Yuvraj was the first to go, caught behind, and in Broad’s next over MS Dhoni, who clearly hadn’t settled, edged to Strauss for just 5. The crowd reacted with enthusiasm, the noise levels increased and Trent Bridge was buzzing as Harbhajan came to the crease to face his first ball. It also turned out to be his last ball as Broad beat him for pace and 20,000 people appealed for LBW. The umpire agreed and the ground went wild again. We were witnessing something very special indeed.

Now, no one came to Trent Bridge hoping to see a huge innings from Praveen Kumar. Kumar is expendable, like the Star Trek dude in the red shirt on the away mission to the dangerous planet Broad. As Kumar took his guard and looked nervously about, everyone in the stadium knew what was about to happen; everyone was on their feet already. To a deafening roar Stuart Broad pounded in, found the perfect line and length and the stumps were shattered. It was fucking awesome.

Such was the excitement in the ground at the time, we all believed he could make it four from four, and the way he hammered into Ishant Sharma you knew he believed it too. The ball was fast and full again but slightly down the leg side and Sharma poked it away with mighty relief. Broad had to settle for a treble-wicket-maiden and a standing ovation from the Nottingham crowd.

At this point Dravid realised he needed to go on the attack but at the first attempt he slashed a wide ball from Bresnan straight to the newly-installed third man. Fifteen minutes earlier India had been in control, 46 runs ahead with only four wickets down. Suddenly they had lost five wickets for six runs! The last pair swung the bat and added another 15 before Broad appropriately took the final wicket to finish on 6-46.

Ticket for the Test match: £60
Petrol from Reading to Nottingham: £45
Seeing Broad take a Test hatrick against the number 1 team in the world: £105
Don't let those bastards at MasterCard make you believe that shit comes for free

After a fourth consecutive failure for Alastair Cook (Ed: drop him!) England finished the day on exactly the same score, 24-1, as India had started it, but still trailed in the match by 43 runs.

The Aftermath

Having watched the channel 5 highlights (predominantly to see if we were on telly) I have now seen the enormous inside edge that Harbhajan knew he’d got onto his pads so I understand why he looked so distraught to be given out. But as they said on the TV, he only really has his own cricket board to blame for that one after they vetoed the use of the review system for LBW decisions. I wonder if the noise inside the stadium was partly responsible for the umpire missing the knick, in which case I’ll claim an assist too.

England have bowled out the number one Test side in the world for less than 300 in every innings of this series so far and have exposed a fragile tail that arguably starts with a shattered-looking MS Dhoni at number seven (Ed: recent innings at Edgbaston excepted of course). With both Anderson and Swann well below their best it needed someone else to put in a dominant display and wrestle back control from the Indian batsmen, and Stuart Broad’s spell of 16 balls, five wickets for no runs is about as dominant as you can get.

To add a note of caution: Stuart Broad was the final victim of the previous Test hatrick (Peter Siddle in Brisbane) so if the chain is to be continued that means that Praveen Kumar is due to take the next one.

What happened over the next two days further emphasised how Broad’s incredible spell turned the match around - India didn’t win another session and ended up soundly beaten.

RUASCC Tour 2011

Without a win since May, RUASCC set off on the 2011 tour of Cheltenham (and vaguely surrounding areas) full of confidence. After three hugely enjoyable fixtures we returned on Sunday evening tired, happy and in some cases with stitches.

Here's what happened:

RUASCC 197-3
Baker 48 not out, Zia 46 not out

Birdlip & Brimpsfield 172-5
Zia 3-19, Holder 2-24

RUASCC won by 25 runs

We arrived in Birdlip on a glorious sunny evening and maybe the change of air was just what the RUASCC top order needed. Chan Malde struck some of the most powerful boundaries of the year, a six and seven fours in his 37, before Baker and Zia added an unbroken 69 stand for the fourth wicket. The total of 197-3 was higher than we often manage in a 40-over game.

Needing ten an over Birdlip were behind the run rate at the halfway stage (65-2) and a lethal delivery from Pensioner Ken Stewart (Dr Kilmore) sent one of their batsmen to hospital with a split lip - a piece of tooth was also found on the wicket. Parsons and Green both passed fifty (the latter hitting plenty of sixes) but the home side still needed 75 from the last five before Zia returned and took three quick wickets to quell the fightback.

Special thanks to Birdlip for generously donating two guest players in the absence of Carpenter and Griffiths. James Buse (34) and Trevor Holder (2-24) both proved to be of great assistance.

RUASCC Highlight: The batting, and Chan’s in particular, was pleasingly vigorous.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Zia.



Bristol 4th XI 126 all out
Zia 2-12, Ashman 2-16

RUASCC 127-6
Carpenter 38, Malde 31 not out

RUASCC won by 4 wickets

On Saturday we travelled down to Bristol and watched in awe as their 1st team played proper cricket on the main pitch. Fortunately we were scheduled to meet the 4ths so we snuck through a gap in the hedge to play in a neighbouring field.

Against a very young side two wickets apiece from Baker, Zia and Ashman proved enough to keep the total down. Pensioner Ken eventually removed the opening batsman for 43 thanks to a smart stumping from Young Sam and Captain Tranter took a stinging return catch to end the innings on 126. The other wicket, it should be noted, came courtesy of a run out by “Good Arm” Withers.

The RUASCC reply saw Weeks (3), Griffiths (10) and Stewart (2) all clean bowled while Carpenter added the bulk of the runs, hitting a six and five fours in his 38. When he was caught at square leg it was 73-4 but a 39 run stand between Zia and Malde took us to within touching distance of the target. That partnership was ended by another hilarious run out with Zia 20 yards out of his ground, and Baker was bowled by a jaffa before Eagle (1 not out) and Malde eventually saw RUASCC home with a few overs to spare, despite the best efforts of sub fielder Withers.

RUASCC Highlight: Eagle coming in at number eight, facing one ball and playing it behind square for a single.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Carpenter for setting up the successful chase and Malde for finishing the job.



RUASCC 208-3
Baker 65 retired hurt, Carpenter 62

Aldsworth 134 all out
Withers 5-27, Zia 2-18

RUASCC won by 74 runs

We arrived in the pleasant village of Aldsworth for the final game of the weekend and found a proper little cricket ground: huge slope from leg to off (or off to leg depending on which way you were facing) and a very grassy wicket that was part trampoline and part rice pudding.

Carpenter made light of the unpredictable bounce belting fours to all parts of the ground and the opening pair put on 60 before Eagle was caught behind for 12. Runs continued to flow and the hundred came up in 20 overs just as Carpenter was celebrating the first RUASCC fifty of tour. Baker’s soon followed and we looked to be heading for a healthy total even once Carpenter (62) and Zia (16) were dismissed by well-taken catches.



A short rain shower prompted an early tea and Captain Eagle chose to bat on for a few more overs after the break to try to reach 200. Baker’s match was ended when he caught a nasty top-edge and was rushed to hospital with a bleeding head wound but Malde and Griffiths piled on the runs in the last few minutes before Eagle declared on 208-3.

Any fears that our total might not have been quite enough were allayed when Zia and Withers shared four early wickets with just ten runs on the board. A couple of the Aldsworth batsmen provided spirited resistance slogging everything they could to the boundary, but further wickets from Ashman, Tranter and Stewart put RUASCC firmly in control. Withers returned and picked up the last three wickets to seal the third consecutive victory and also his first five-wicket haul in more than two years.

RUASCC Highlight: Withers’ reaction catch at short leg from a full-blooded pull shot.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Three-way split this time - great knocks from Carpenter and Baker to continue their good form over the weekend, and Withers for taking five wickets and four catches in the innings.



So after failing to bowl out any opposition side in a dozen matches, we achieved it twice in consecutive days this weekend. Having only won twice all season, we've now won five games. Here ends a successful and hugely enjoyable tour.

Braywood (A) – 24.7.11

Braywood 210-9
Zia 5-45, Withers 2-30

RUASCC 121-8
Baker 43, Koslicki 21

Match drawn

Look, I’m going to keep this fairly brief. We’ve seen all this before and there’s only so many times you can write the same match report.

Braywood bat first… opener scores 83… Zia takes five wickets… everyone else doesn’t… dropped catches… 46 overs on a hot day… Braywood 210-9.

Batting collapse! Innocuous bowling… Eagle straight full toss… 34-5… Recovery! Baker caught when looking well set on 43… Pensioner Ken Stewart playing anti-cricket… RUASCC 121-8. Match drawn.

You get the gist. Now for the trivia:

* The first two overs (bowled by Koslicki and Waqar) both followed exactly the same sequence: five dot balls followed by a six. Not seen that before.

* RUASCC’s bacon was saved by a 53-run sixth-wicket partnership between Baker and Koslicki in the middle third of the innings. For symmetry fans, we scored 34 runs in the 15 overs before that partnership and 34 runs in the 15 overs after it.

* With a solid 1 not out, Ashman pushed his season’s average up from 2 to 2.5.

Sounded like we missed a good day at Lord’s too.

RUASCC Highlight: Zia’s first class off-spinner to break the opening partnership – spun through the gate and clipped the top of off. Koslicki’s six into the pony field and Carpenter’s catch to get rid of Nunn were both good too.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Zia. Just for a change.

RUASCC Team: Eagle (capt), Zia, Carpenter, Baker (wkt), Sirfraz, Waqar, Koslicki, Jagesh, Stewart, Ashman, Withers

RUASCC Bowling 2011 (part 1)

It’s a recurring theme of this season that opposition batsmen of all shapes and sizes have been making hay against our bowling attack. In the twelve weekend matches we’ve played so far we’ve been hit for four centuries (three of them not out) and seven fifties. In the only two matches where no one has reached fifty against us, someone has ended up unbeaten in the forties.

(This post isn’t about our batting, but for comparison no RUASCC batsman has yet reached three figures this season - Zia came closest with 90 not out - although six have passed fifty, unbeaten on three occasions.)

There are several reasons behind this: firstly, the one we can do very little about, there are some very good batsmen out there, batsmen who have scored plenty of hundreds against better attacks than ours. If they get in on a good pitch there’s very little anyone can do about it. Secondly, we don’t always take our chances when they come - sometimes we just can’t catch, the guy gets a second or even a third chance and they take full advantage. Thirdly, our bowling isn’t consistently good enough to put pressure on batsmen who have been allowed to play themselves in. It is this third aspect that I wish to focus on here.

Only one Zia

The root cause of our lack of bowling consistency can be summed up quite easily: we only have one Zia.

* The lynchpin of our attack, Zia has bowled 27% of our overs this season and taken 37% of our wickets.

* Zia’s best bowling figures are 5-39 and 5-45 (twice). No one else has taken more than three wickets in an innings.

* Zia has taken 26 wickets at 15.96; the other 44 wickets have cost 39.02 each.

* Zia has an economy rate of 3.32 runs per over; for the rest of us it’s 5.01.

In our timed games Zia often bowls long spells of 18, 19 or even 20 overs which enables us to at least pin down one end. In the first match at Tilehurst & Theale his 19 overs cost 3.79 each while the other bowlers were going for 5.36. The fact that he then went on to score 90 not out to win the game only emphasises his importance to the team.

The trouble really starts in the 40-over games when bowlers are limited to eight overs. In the match at Wargrave Zia took 3-26 from his spell (economy 3.25) and thanks to good support from Main and Jagesh we had them at 64-7 at the halfway stage. In a timed game there’s no doubt Zia would have been kept on till the job was done, but Wargrave were allowed to reach 229-9 taking six an over off everyone else. This happened to coincide with a desperate fielding display during which we dropped a dozen catches, saw their number nine score 100 not out and allowed a man who hadn’t batted in eight years to score 49 of the streakiest runs you’ll ever see.

Big Scores

The result of all this has been that batsmen are making big scores against us every week. The canny ones will be watchful against Zia and hit the pies that Withers serves up to all parts of the ground, then when Zia comes off they know there’ll be a bad ball coming along soon so they can score some runs, start seeing the ball well and build their innings comfortably.

On several occasions there is no doubt that we’ve let these guys off the hook – individual batsmen and teams alike. We’ve got ourselves into some great positions early on but seen our advantage slip when we should be finishing the innings off. The following games are examples of where we’ve damaged the top order but have allowed the batting side to post a competitive (and in some cases winning) total:

Britwell 56-4 to 168-5 (Lawrence 59 not out)
Wargrave 64-7 to 229-9 (Robinson 100 not out)
Farley Hill 92-6 to 175-8 (Ditchburn retired 48)
Southampton 50-4 to 184-8 (Shibasis 68)
Greys Green 82-5 to 181-6 (Shafqat 98)
Tilehurst 81-5 to 172-7 (Stroud 42 not out)

In an early game against Englefield the Sri Lankan opener, Samad, was seeing the ball so well it didn’t matter who was bowling – he finished 130 not out as they successfully overhauled our 226 for the loss of only two wickets. On the artificial wicket at Blewbury Southwell was certainly helped by the predictable bounce on his way to 110, it was the only time this season that Zia has gone for more than five an over.

In decent batting conditions at Tilehurst, Wigmore (109) and Ali (72) put on a stand of 152 that was promptly beaten by Zia (90 not out) and Ward (69 not out). Not a good day for bowlers on either side.

Consistency

I’m aware I seem to be giving the impression that Zia is among the world’s greatest bowlers and that the rest of us are a bunch of witless chancers who couldn’t buy a wicket in the High Wycombe under-fives league for visually impaired tea bags. But that’s only partly true. We have seen some very impressive spells from other bowlers this season, just not regularly enough.

In the game at Southampton Bruce Main took 3-16 in seven overs before injury put an end to his inspired spell. Main also bowled four maidens in that limited overs game at Wargrave and can usually be relied upon to be economical, but he’s missed a few games this year and we’ve certainly missed him.

At Greys Green, where Shafqat scored 98 of his side’s 181-6, Withers bowled an opening spell of sixteen overs for just 30 runs but, importantly, couldn’t get the opener out until the very last ball of the innings when he’d already done the damage. The problem this season is that we never know which Withers is going to turn up: the one who took 3-26 in eight overs against Britwell Salome or the one who ended up with figures of 3-67 later that same day against Britwell Salome. Withers does take wickets from time to time, but he doesn’t change the course of matches – he doesn’t get the really good men out once they look settled. Two of Withers’ best spells have returned figures of 0-22 and 0-41, on both occasions leaving lots of work for others to do.

Jagesh has only played five times this season; Baker and Koslicki have bowled three times each. Greenhalf, Ashman, Tranter, Carpenter and Stewart haven’t bowled enough overs to get into a rhythm. We have a different bowling line-up every week and it’s very rare we get three or four bowlers on song at the same time. To re-emphasise, in the twelve weekend games we’ve played we have only taken 70 wickets and not bowled any teams out, making it difficult to win cricket matches.

NB: I wrote this article before the Braywood game but have updated the figures to include it because it only serves to strengthen my point. Zia took 5-45 from 14 overs leaving the other five bowlers to share four wickets in 32 overs. Opening batsman Lunn scored 83 (before Zia took his wicket) and the home side’s final total of 210-9 means we once again failed to bowl a side out. On the plus side, we drew the match!

Tilehurst & Theale (A) – 17.7.11

Tilehurst & Theale 172-7
Greenhalf 3-32, Waqar 1-14

RUASCC 153-8
Zia 54, Extras 30

RUASCC lost by 19 runs

As my tribute to Tilehurst’s excellent Fleetwood Mac report from our game earlier this season, I have included in this report the names of all eleven tracks and the album title from Take That’s most recent offering. Get well soon Robbie, Denmark needs you.

I woke up in Dorset on the morning of the game with the rain pounding the windows but on checking with Dr Eagle learned that the game was still on. So I left the house at 11am with the rain pounding the windscreen of my car. Game still on. I drove up the A31 and onto the M3 in fog and more torrential rain. Game still on. I arrived back in Berkshire where my neighbours were fashioning a small but sturdy life raft out of patio furniture. Game still on. There wasn’t a patch of ground anywhere in the south of England that could realistically allow a game of cricket to take place so I could only conclude that Theale must be in some kind of freaky weather vortex but fair enough, I had all the affirmation I needed to drive through another rainstorm on the M4 to give it a go.

Incredibly we were rewarded for battling through the flood when we arrived at the ground in sunshine, although the black clouds in the distance looked unfriendly. Still somewhat sceptical we all got ready to play, Trant won the toss and chose to field… then it started raining again. So we just had to wait a bit longer.

And then the weather vortex took hold. For the next six hours there was barely a shower - no interruptions at all. The sun appeared at intervals and the famous Theale wind helped to dry out the pitch. It really is quite incredible how the elements conspired to allow RUASCC to lose yet another game of cricket that we didn’t think we’d ever get the opportunity to lose.

Zia got things going with an early wicket as the home side accumulated steadily in the opening stages. At the other end Withers bowled like Glenn McGrath in his prime getting lift and movement, beating the bat repeatedly but once again failing to actually get anyone out (hey, what do you want from me?) and it wasn’t until the change of bowling that wickets began to tumble. Greenhalf removed Dimmack for a confident 47 and Koslicki followed that with a wicket maiden as Dip took his third catch of the innings behind the stumps. And Greenhalf wasn’t finished yet: he took two more wickets in his third over thanks to a catch by Eagle and an LBW from a knee-high full-toss to leave Tilehurst 81-5 with just 15 overs remaining.

At this point we realised that none of the opposition batsmen had reached fifty yet so to give opener Stroud a chance Greenhalf dropped him a few times, while Bozarth threatened to drive his way there himself as the pair pushed the score to 150. But then 17-year-old debutant Bilal Sirfraz came on to bowl and, showing his inexperience, removed Bozarth for just 39. Waqar bagged a wicket in the penultimate over as Tilehurst reached 172-7, with Stroud carrying his bat for 42 not out.

RUASCC need 173 runs to win

Eagle and Chan began cautiously against the Tilehurst kidz who bowled with good pace backed up by a vociferous slip cordon. Then just as Chan began to go on the attack he holed out to mid-on for 8 and Eagle, whose 9 runs all flew through the slip region, was eventually caught at first slip from an attempted swipe to leg – not pretty. Things were soon looking up though as Zia and Dip added 69 in ten overs to put us back in control – the bowling looked less assured and the occasional long hop or full toss merely provided more opportunities for Zia to slap the ball into the flowerbed by the road. By this point even the outfield was almost dry, lending weight to the theory that there must be some sort of underground machine sucking the water through the earth.

Zia brought up his fifty with his second all-run four but perished soon afterwards when he pulled directly to Rees at square leg. Greenhalf looked busy immediately, aiming heavy blows at the young spinner and connecting with some of them, and with 50 runs needed from ten overs we were comfortably on course.

But in the next three overs we only added one run and lost two wickets, Dip (19) and Greenhalf (13) – that’s RUASCC’s impression of an England batting powerplay – and it was time to raise the SOS. Pensioner Ken Stewart, promoted to number six, made slow progress in the face of more tight bowling and he lost both Waqar and Tranter as the game slipped hopelessly away. Sirfraz whipped a boundary over mid-wicket but the run rate was suddenly alarmingly high and he was caught at point going for another big shot in the final over.

Profesional scorebook operator Withers was mightily relieved to see the eight letters “Koslicki” above him in the order: “just block out the last two balls so I don’t have to get my pads on.” Koslicki obliged, finishing on 0 not out as RUASCC fell 19 runs short.

So that’s four consecutive defeats, but at least Ken got a bat so he should be happy now.

RUASCC Highlight: The first of Dip’s three dismissals, a very sharp edge off Zia’s quicker ball. He did well to take that.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Another economical spell and another fifty – it’s boring I know, but it’s Zia again.

RUASCC Team: Eagle, Malde, Zia, Dip (wkt), Greenhalf, Stewart, Waqar, Tranter (capt), Sirfraz, Koslicki, Withers

Peppard (A) – 10.7.11

RUASCC 136-9
Extras 40, Tranter 21 not out

Peppard 139-2
Baker 2-36, Carpenter 0-18

RUASCC lost by 8 wickets

For the third match in a row RUASCC batted first, failed to put enough runs on the board and lost - and today at Peppard it was a real thrashing. Captain Eagle won the toss and chose to bat first in a limited overs game and things looked less than promising a short while later at 22-4.

In the third over Ward was given out caught off his pad and was halfway to the pavilion when Vines, the home skipper, sportingly invited him back in. Wardy embraced the second chance by surviving one more ball before being cleaned up through the gate. Eagle lasted a few more overs before he too was bowled, and the same bowler also did for Baker and Dip as he finished his sixth over with figures of 4-9. Dip had taken a beamer on the forearm and was in too much pain to lift the bat - we’re not sure what everyone else’s excuses were but it is certainly true that Peppard were simply bowling and fielding very well.

Carpenter and Weeks added 35, working hard but getting little reward from the slow outfield. There weren’t many bad balls on offer and each batsman only managed one boundary during the nine over partnership which almost saw us through to the drinks break. Unfortunately the first change of bowling saw Danny Hayden take three wickets in his first three overs to leave RUASCC 68-7 - Carpenter (caught at slip), Seymour (caught and bowled) and Weeks (stumped by Vines, now keeping after bowling a nine over spell) the three men to go.

It wasn’t long before Pensioner Ken Stewart became Williams’ fifth victim, stumped for 4 - it was the only time he took his feet off the floor the entire day. Luckily for RUASCC Richard Tranter is a batting machine these days and for the second week in a row he dragged the score up to something that was, if not respectable, at least within 50 runs of something that could almost be considered par. He hit only the third four of the innings, and his able partner Ben Koslicki, playing his first game of the season, hit three more of his own in a ninth wicket stand of 40. When Koslicki was caught for 14 it was 116-9 and there were still six and a half overs to go, but Tranter and professional number eleven Withers comfortably saw out the innings to finish on 136-9.

Peppard need 137 runs to win

Baker started tightly from the Pavilion End and was rewarded in the third over when Adam Seymour at square leg clung on to a very good catch at the third attempt. Then in the eleventh over he took his second with a yorker that snuck through but Peppard were already scoring at a healthy rate and were 45-2 when wicketkeeper-bowler-captain-batsman Vines came in after a stint in the commentary box. And that was where the joy ended.

Withers and Koslicki both bowled decent spells without much luck as another half-dozen chances were put down in the field. Gradually we stopped caring about the cricket and the inevitable result and instead just remembered to enjoy the beautiful warm sunshine and take a moment to reflect on how blessed we are to be free from persecution and famine and that we can spend our Sundays playing the game we all love (and occasionally hate). However there was still one more RUASCC milestone to be reached as Legg became the 10th opposition batsman this season to pass 50 on his way to 76 not out, then just before 7pm Peppard eased home with 8 wickets and 14 overs to spare and we all fecked off directly to the pub.

RUASCC Highlight: Adam’s catch, possibly. Or maybe… no, got to be Adam’s catch.

RUASCC Man of the Match: For holding the innings together and sticking around while wickets were tumbling, it’s got to be Extras.

RUASCC Team: Ward, Eagle (capt), Carpenter, Baker, Dip (wkt), Weeks, Seymour, Stewart, Tranter, Koslicki, Withers

Britwell Salome (A) – 3.7.11

RUASCC 164-8
Tranter 32 not out, Eagle 27

Britwell 168-5
Withers 3-67, Baker 1-28

RUASCC lost by 5 wickets

The Britwell fixture is one we always look forward to so it was something of a surprise to see Andy scrambling around for players during the week leading up to the game - many thanks to Zia’s brother Waqar and Andy Scarr for joining in the fun. On what felt like the first warm Sunday of the season Captain Carpenter lost the toss and was asked to bat first on a track with variable (low) bounce and a rather striking slope to contend with.

Eagle and Carpenter made steady progress for the first half hour before Carpo got bored with steady and hit four quick boundaries to get things moving along. Unfortunately he then tried to cut a ball that dipped back a mile and bowled him for 25. Number three Baker looked comfortable immediately and he added 21 in a 25-run partnership before using his feet beautifully to miss a straight one.

RUASCC looked to have been coasting at 72-1 but in true RUASCC fashion collapsed to 113-7 against fairly innocuous bowling, losing six wickets in 12 overs including the farcical run out that saw Eagle and Chan having an argument at the non-striker’s end while the wicketkeeper was almost too embarrassed to take the bails off 22 yards away. It was eventually decided that Eagle had to go, and when the distressed opener reached the pavilion he kept walking straight out of the ground. “He’s gone to buy a gun,” said Dr Ashman authoritatively.

Zia (4) spooned his second ball straight up in the air before Waqar (8) Chan (12) and Scarr (1) were all bowled, meaning that with an hour left to bat we had to rely on Pensioner Ken Stewart and Richard Tranter to get us out of the mess.

Tranter cracked a couple of boundaries to keep the score moving while Stewart did well to contain his natural attacking impulse to score seven runs in 13 overs. Then, just after Tranter had belted a perfect straight drive for another four, Stewart was mercifully given out LBW. With ten minutes remaining Tranter clobbered a six over mid-on to take the score past 150 then added a run a ball with Dr Ashman to finish unbeaten on a 21st century high score of 32. RUASCC 164-8.

Britwell need 165 runs to win

Baker and Withers opened the bowling and Britwell, who we were reliably informed didn’t have many batsmen, cruised along to 33-0 with a few early boundaries. In the eighth over Withers found his line and length and drew an edge which Chan put down behind the stumps – fortunately the next ball did exactly the same thing and this time Channy clung onto a much tougher chance diving to his right.

The next two overs were both wicket-maidens as Baker’s off-cutter did for the other opener and Withers tormented the new batsman with five outswingers before the straight one pegged back his off-stump. A short while later an unusually rampant Withers took his third wicket to leave Britwell 56-4.

But then, not for the first time this season, we let the batsmen back into the game. Neither Zia nor his brother Waqar could find a breakthrough as Britwell jogged along at four runs per over. A full-blooded sweep almost brought a remarkable catch by Withers diving to his left at leg-slip but otherwise there were no chances offered before eventually Waqar trapped Clarke LBW for 33 with 35 runs still needed in six overs.

Withers returned at the death but didn’t pose any threat at all with a ball that now resembled a sweet potato - one over went for 15 as Lawrence passed fifty and took all the tension out of the game. Needing just eight from the last two overs they scored them all in six balls off Withers, whose figures took a bit of a pounding.

So RUASCC’s win-loss record for 2011 is now 2-4, and we keep up their proud record of letting an opposition batsman score a fifty in every game this season (except Farley Hill where Ditchburn retired on 48 not out). More on that particular phenomenon in due course.

RUASCC Highlight: The couple of overs during which Withers and Baker reduced Britwell from 33-0 to 33-3. Everything was going so well for a little while.

RUASCC Man of the Match: For top-scoring with 32 not out and at least giving us a total to fail to defend – Richard Tranter.

RUASCC Team: Eagle, Carpenter (capt), Baker, Zia, Malde (wkt), Waqar, Scarr, Stewart, Tranter, Ashman, Withers

Bluecoat Staff (A) – 10.6.11

Bluecoat 137-7 (20 overs)
Withers 2-25, Ashman 1-6

RUASCC 101-1 (13.5 overs)
Baker 46 not out, Extras 38

Match abandoned due to rain

For the second time this week the rain put an end to proceedings, and this time RUASCC were looking at a comfortable win needing just a run a ball from six overs with nine wickets in hand.

We arrived at the smart new Bluecoat Pavilion before 5pm to find a school game nearing the end of the first innings. The start of our game was therefore delayed by about an hour and after losing the toss and witnessing a thrilling last-ball finish (Bluecoat lost) we took to the field at 6.30pm. Main and Baker opened the bowling and the Bluecoat openers made a brisk start before Pett pulled up with a groin strain and barely got going again before he was run out by Baker at the non-striker’s end.

The two batsmen made good use of the three short boundaries to push the score up to 80-1 after ten overs but a well-taken catch at backward point by Baker off Greenhalf put an end to that. Greenhalf then took a catch of his own off Withers who took two wickets in his third over, the second a textbook outswinger caught behind by (Young Sam) Griffiths. Withers and Griffiths combined again to earn the second run out of the innings as Bluecoat lost their early momentum.

In a bid to help them find it again, Tranter brought himself on with four overs to go. However, bowling from his shortened run up (one step) he was far too much to handle and picked up his first wicket of the year with something that pitched, and in a straight line too. At the other end Dr Ashman was also on the money and won an LBW verdict to finish with 1-6 from two overs. A very welcome decent bowling and fielding performance from RUASCC restricted Bluecoat to 137-7 from 20 overs.

RUASCC need 138 runs to win

With the light already fading fast we turned around quickly and sent Eagle and Dip to open the batting. Both men had picked up a single when Dip was bowled by one that kept low (lower than Dip, which is startling) to bring Baker to the crease. With plenty of runs coming from byes and wides (though not as many wides as the batsmen would have liked) the run rate ticked along nicely despite Eagle scoring only in singles. In the increasing gloom, with a damp outfield, it was proving difficult to play with any fluency but neither batsman looked in any danger and Baker did find the boundary a few times on his way to another score in the forties.

Then in the 14th over, just as the hundred came up on the best electronic scoreboard Withers has ever had the pleasure of doing business with, the drizzle gave way to a hail storm and suddenly eleven fielders, two batsmen and two umpires hurtled back towards the shelter of the pavilion covering themselves with anything that came to hand. The match was over and not only had Baker been denied a likely half century, the middle order of Chan, Young Sam and Greenhalf were denied their chance to bat at all. Chan, desperate for an outlet for his pent up energy, began drinking immediately.

RUASCC Highlight: The perfect dismissal for a right-arm medium-paced swing bowler – Withers finds the edge, Griffiths takes the catch.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Baker was on course to win the game before the hail came, and he took a catch too.

RUASCC Team: Eagle, Dip, Baker, Malde, Griffiths (wkt), Greenhalf, Main, Tranter (capt), Ashman, Withers

Wargrave (A) – 5.6.11

Wargrave 229-9
Zia 3-26, Jagesh 2-17

Match abandoned due to rain

A heavy shower followed a useless shower on Sunday afternoon as RUASCC turned in a fielding performance that flitted between the realms of comedy and tragedy at Wargrave Recreation Ground. Tranter won the toss on a grey, windy afternoon and RUASCC took to the field in drizzle for a 40-over game that actually ended up as a 40-over game.

Main and Zia quickly removed the two openers - Main took the first wicket as Eagle held onto a catch at mid-off and Zia took a simple one-handed catch off his own bowling - but to set the tone for the next couple of hours, three other chances had already gone down. The miserly Bruce Main bowled four maidens in his eight over spell and Zia bowled the new man for a duck to give RUASCC an excellent start.

Withers officially opened the buffet by shipping 20 runs in his first two overs but persevered to take wickets with consecutive balls, and Jagesh picked up two LBWs in a commendably tight spell to make it 64-7 before the halfway point.

From a position of apparent hopelessness Wargrave rallied as two very useful batsmen came in at numbers eight and nine. They added 50 runs in the next ten overs and it seemed they might at least make a game of it; then they added another 50 in the next five overs and suddenly we were looking at a total to chase. The one word you can’t use to describe the partnership is “chanceless” - practically every RUASCC fielder was offered the opportunity to catch one of them out, but nothing stuck. Withers, Main, Zia and Carpenter will all be kicking themselves after failing to hold on when they got good hands to the ball, although it’s possible Zia deliberately dropped his to deny Tranter a wicket. By the end of the 40 overs only Tranter, Ward and Jagesh remained innocent of spurning opportunities.

The home side passed 200 and “Ratty” (batting for the first time in eight years) attempted a big shot on 49 - alas, as a result he was stumped by half a yard to give Ashman (1-63) a wicket. Zia returned at the death to remove Owen first ball (a catch even Withers couldn’t drop) and Wargrave were down to their last wicket.

Robinson wasn’t finished yet though: after a brutal attack in the final over he hit a huge straight six from the last ball of the innings to finish 100 not out. Wargrave scored 229-9 having added 108 in the last ten overs.

At tea the intermittent drizzle gave way to a full on shower and at 5.15pm the captains agreed to knock it on the head. Wargrave had a lucky escape if you ask me. Just look at the batting line up: Eagle is due a big score, Wardy and Zia are still unbeaten from two weeks ago and Carpenter had a look in his eye that said "I'm gonna fuck you up chappy, so don't even try it." And that’s before Chan and his massive bat get a look in. Let’s face it, a RUASCC win was a nigh-on certainty.

RUASCC Highlight: It’s getting pretty desperate when I can’t think of anything better than Wardy skilfully stopping a boundary with the outside of his foot.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Jagesh - took his first two wickets of the season in an economical spell and was one of the very few who didn’t drop a catch.

RUASCC Team: Ward, Eagle, Carpenter, Dip (wkt), Malde, Zia, Main, Tranter (capt), Jagesh, Ashman, Withers

Englefield Photos - 2.5.11

Many thanks to Dr Eagle for providing these photos of the match at Englefield on 2nd May 2011.

The pitch is set in the deer park in the grounds of the Englefield Estate.


With the scoreboard showing 6-1 (Eagle bowled for 0) Carpenter strides down the wicket to explain to his new partner exactly what Eagle did wrong.


Baker and Carpenter added 72 runs for the second wicket before giving their wickets away like Sri Lankans in Cardiff.


OK so we ended up losing by 8 wickets and suffering severe wind burn, but isn't it lovely and pretty.

Ken Stewart – A Birthday Message

No match for RUASCC over the bank holiday so I thought it might be a nice opportunity to offer this birthday tribute to Pensioner Ken Stewart, who, if his luck’s in, will turn 72 this week.

I apologise now for any factual errors and omissions in the narrative which are entirely caused by the fact that I only met him for the first time last year.

* * * * * * *

Early Life

Like the Second World War, Ken Stewart began in 1939. And like the Second World War, Ken Stewart has caused misery to thousands of grieving widows all over London Town.

Born in Scotland at a young age, Baby Ken was used successfully to scare the Nazis away from Hadrian’s Wall. His achievements were the inspiration behind the Hitchcock horror The Wee Thing which was deservedly a massive failure. The child star was given a single penny for his share of the royalties which he kept in a sock underneath his pillow until long after the sock was worth more than the penny.

As a child Ken was raised on a diet of tripe and asbestos which he watered down with condensation sucked from lampposts and parked bicycles, giving him the robust constitution which serves him well to this day.

The Middle Ages

At the tender age of 14 Ken built his first house out of maize. His vulnerable new home was soon threatened by a big bad wolf who huffed and puffed but soon realised he didn’t huff and puff as much as Ken does. Eventually they declared a truce and went into business selling pork products. Tiring of the business world Ken joined the Merchant Navy where he was employed primarily as an anchor.

A keen footballer until the age of 65, Ken was distraught when he realised he was no longer fit enough to play at exactly the same time he became entitled to cheaper bus fares to get to the games.

“Cricket”

Ken has enjoyed an exceptional cricketing career as a left-arm donkey dropper and right-hand number ten stodge-bucket.

In February 1979, a few months before Ken’s 40th birthday, I was born at the Royal Berkshire Hospital in Reading, setting off a chain of events that would eventually lead to me calling him a useless, miserable, short-arsed tosser in the summer of 2010. After joining RUASCC at the age of 70 he soon won the Young Player of the Year Award after a match-saving 46 not out against Britwell Salome that he simply will not shut the fuck up about.

With senility now well and truly settling in, Ken is becoming more forgetful and also more forgetful. He lost a brand new sweater during a match earlier this season but to his credit he rarely ever mentions it.

On 22nd May 2011 Ken made a diving stop at short mid-wicket from which his friends feared he may never recover. He is now heading for a well-deserved period of rest and recuperation at his golf course in Spain, giving us all a very welcome break from his incessant whinging.

Happy Birthday Kenny.

Tilehurst & Theale (A) – 22.5.11

Tilehurst & Theale 219-4 dec
Main 2-57, Zia 2-72

RUASCC 223-2
Zia 90 not out, Ward 69 not out

RUASCC won by 8 wickets.

For the third consecutive match RUASCC turned up with only ten players and were again fortunate to be offered the services of a young boy. (I feel I could have phrased that better but time is pressing.) Eagle stood in as skipper and probably would have fielded had he won the toss, but he lost the toss and we ended up fielding anyway so that’s all right then.

I won’t dwell too long on the T&T innings even though it felt at the time like it would never end. Using their full 44 overs the home side reached 219-4 at tea including a partnership of 152 for the third wicket. Zia bowled 19 overs, Main bowled 13 overs; each took two wickets, but there was so much time in between when all the fielders seemed to do was chase the ball to the boundary.

A force eight gale blew relentlessly around the ground and on a cricket field there’s nowhere to hide. The bails flew off repeatedly, batsmen frequently had to chase after their hats and bowlers who wanted to hit the stumps realised they had to aim for the square leg umpire - it left many of us wondering whether wind has ever stopped play.

RUASCC did well to restrict the runs in the last ten overs, during which time Main trapped Ali LBW for 72 and Zia enticed Wigmore (109) down the pitch just enough for Dip to complete the stumping. The two new batsmen couldn’t get going and the innings rather petered out.

RUASCC need 220 runs to win in 41 overs.

First over. Eagle. Maiden.

Keeping his place as opener, Carpenter’s first ball was a leg side full toss and it disappeared for four as the albino Sehwag set off like a train. He found the boundary three times and had scored 18 out of a total of 22 when he tried to pull a ball that didn’t get up and was clean bowled. Shortly afterwards Eagle worked a textbook four over gully but then an equally textbook edge to second slip ended his day on five.

This brought Ward and Zia together at 32-2 in the ninth over. Most would agree that there was still a bit of work to do at this point, and considering RUASCC’s collapse the previous day it seemed wise for numbers five, six, seven, eight and nine to get padded up just in case - but over after over passed and no wickets fell. Some produced only one or two singles (and several leg byes) but the majority went for a run a ball or more and the two batsmen settled in for the long haul.

Ward, who had only batted twice this season scoring a total of 15 runs, thumped a massive six into the hedge at mid-wicket and the score passed 100 in just the 18th over. Zia, already in decent form going into the match, carried on where he left off against Greys, using his feet well to drive and pulling anything worth pulling for four. Having reached his first fifty of the season Zia was lucky to escape when he was dropped not once, not twice, but three times when he offered chances that any RUASCC fielder would easily have also dropped.

Ward nudged plenty of leg side singles and then brought up his own fifty by calmly sweeping a full toss down to the fine leg boundary. By the 30th over fewer than fifty runs were needed and this time RUASCC weren’t about to ruin it. A wide from Osborn brought up the 200 in another over costing ten runs and it was fitting that each batsman hit one more boundary in the 39th over when a full toss was thumped over mid-wicket by Zia to finish the match. The pair had added 191 runs in 30 overs while Dip, Tom Weeks and Bruce Main sat padded up, sheltering from the wind as best they could, unable to believe what they were seeing. A quite remarkable performance and a resounding win by eight wickets with two overs to spare.

RUASCC Highlight: The sensational unbroken 191 stand for the third wicket – the highest I’ve seen in my time with the club.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Scoring 69 not out will usually win you this award, but not when your teammate scores 90 not out having already bowled 19 economical overs. Nice try Wardy, but it’s Zia again.

Zia’s Weekend Stats: 122 unbeaten runs in two innings with figures of 7-111 from 32 overs. And a catch. Zia’s batting average so far this season is 111.5.

RUASCC Team: Eagle (capt), Carpenter, Ward, Zia, Dip (wkt), Weeks, Main, Blake, Stewart, Ashman, Withers

Greys Green (A) - 21.5.11

Greys Green 181-6 dec.
Zia 5-39, Withers 1-42

RUASCC 167 all out
Carpenter 35, Malde 35

RUASCC lost by 14 runs.

Right, there are two match reports to write this weekend so let’s get this one over with shall we.

When ten-man RUASCC won the toss for the fourth time in five matches, Tranter stuck the home side in to bat and plugged the Patel-shaped hole in our field with local boy Harry Sims. Withers and Greenhalf opened the bowling and there was very little drama in the first hour of play; in fact, typically, it was only when Zia came on that the wickets started tumbling. In his very first over he induced some indecisiveness from Cross and the batsman played on to his stumps for 16. 52-1.

Withers piled on the pressure with consecutive maidens but again selflessly left the glory to his teammates, this week allowing Zia to rip through the top order as Greys collapsed from 76-1 to 82-5. First Holroyd was caught behind for 19 then three ducks followed (two bowled, one catch by Greenhalf at mid-on). With 30 overs gone Greys were 86-5; Withers had bowled 15 overs for 26 runs and Zia had 5-22.

Sensing the need to up the run rate, opener Mo Shafqat targeted the change bowlers as Jagesh (0-23), Ashman (0-20) and Tranter (0-19) tried without success to dislodge him. He was well supported by Howse, batting with a runner, who contributed a useful unbeaten 33 to the sixth wicket stand.

Withers returned to bowl the final over before tea and his tidy figures took some hammer as Shafqat hit a six and four to move to 98, but Withers was finally rewarded on the final ball of the innings when Shafqat skied his shot to Zia at mid-off who took the catch. Greys 181-6.

RUASCC need 182 runs to win.

With only half a batting line up to speak of the onus was on the top five to get runs and, to be fair, they all did.

After the obligatory opening maiden to Eagle the RUASCC reply got off to a decent start as Carpenter cleared the short leg side boundary as early as the fourth over. Eagle hit two fours in succession off the left-arm seamer before Carpenter launched another maximum. The fifty partnership came up in the eleventh over and all was going swimmingly until Carpenter dabbed the ball to cover point and immediately set off for a single which Eagle enthusiastically refused. Poor Carpenter, run out for 35, stormed back to the pavilion whereupon he fashioned a wax doll of Dr Eagle and stuck pins in its elbow.

At number three, giving batting another try, was Andy Greenhalf fresh from his two golden ducks on the last bank holiday weekend. A massive cheer greeted his survival of the first ball after which he belted his second ball for four. Meanwhile Dr Eagle was accumulating nicely despite some unexplained elbow pain but a moment of indecision against Cusden resulted in him being bowled despite going both forward and back to the delivery. Greenhalf was getting into the groove and he hit a six and a four to reach 20 before another meaty swipe picked out the man on the boundary at long off. RUASCC were 90-3 and needed 92 more to win in 18 overs.

For the next half an hour the win looked not only possible but extremely likely. Chan and Zia added runs at the required rate, neither looking in any difficulty, and Chan brought up the fifty stand with a six over everyone’s favourite short boundary – but very next ball he was gone for 35 when a similar shot went awry and was caught at the third attempt by the relieved bowler.

Needing fewer than 40 runs to win with six wickets in hand it should still have been a stroll, but with pensioner Ken Stewart batting at six there was a dangerously long tail and once Greys got into it the complexion of the game completely changed. Stewart, Tranter and Sims were all bowled for golden ducks, Ashman was run out without facing a ball and when the usually reliable Withers was bowled through the gate by Shafqat the match was over.

From 143-3 RUASCC lost their last seven wickets in five overs for 23 runs – and Zia (stranded on 32 not out) made 21 of those - as RUASCC slipped from a position of superiority to a 14-run defeat.

Still, it’s all a bit of fun isn’t it.

RUASCC Highlight: The sixes hit over the short mid-wicket boundary – Carpo, Greenhalf and Chan all got in on the act.

RUASCC Man of the Match: It’s Zia again. After taking a five wicket haul he would almost certainly have won the game with the bat had he not run out of partners. Honourable mention too for Chan who made 35 and kept wicket very tidily indeed.

RUASCC Team: Eagle, Carpenter, Greenhalf, Malde (wkt), Zia, Stewart, Tranter (capt), Jagesh, Sims, Ashman, Withers

Apologies: Dip Patel, Dersh Patel

Southampton Academicals (A) – 14.5.11

Southampton 184-8 dec
Main 3-16, Withers 2-59

RUASCC 117-3
Main 34, Carpenter 32 not out

Match drawn.

All three of RUASCC’s proposed fixtures against Southampton were cancelled last season, but despite the novelty of the occasion we could only get 10 players to travel down the M3. Tranter won the toss and put Southampton in to bat on a decent track and our hosts were kind enough to lend us the extra fielder, a gesture which proved invaluable as it disproportionately improved the overall quality of our fielding. The sun shone intermittently through the clouds and it would have been a nice day were it not for the wind: a biting, chilling, relentlessly abusive onslaught that seemed to strip one’s flesh from the bones.

Withers toiled bravely into this wind without success, all the time loosening the jam jar for Main who greedily helped himself to the first three wickets. The first wicket came when a mis-timed pull sent a simple catch towards mid-wicket, who we only noticed happened to be our guest fielder when he didn’t drop it. The next two wickets fell quickly (one bowled, one LBW) but just as Main looked as if he might rip through the entire team he was forced to a halt by general wear and tear and had to make do with the impressive figures of 3-16 from seven overs. He had been denied a fourth wicket by a dropped slip catch (Carpenter), the start of a fascinating two-hour episode of “How Not to Catch” which included Dip and Tranter spilling chances off Withers, Tranter dropping one from his own bowling and Jagesh putting one down at mid-on from a batsman who only ever hit it straight to mid-on.

Withers did eventually get a wicket when a thin edge found its way to the keeper and Dip held on, whereupon the local villagers dug out the old bunting, grabbed some quiche and started up a spontaneous street party in our honour. With Southampton on 53-4 the home side’s hopes rested on Shibasis who was in full 20-20 mode swinging at pretty much everything and getting plenty of thick edges to the boundary. He reached his fifty out of a score of 75-4 and moved onto 68 before he pulled a short one from Dr Ashman (1-32) straight to Main at deep square leg and RUASCC’s most reliable fielder made no mistake.

That really should have been that for the Southampton innings but somehow it kept going. Walking fossil Ken Stewart came into the “attack” and bought himself a wicket thanks to another catch from another substitute fielder at mid-wicket before Withers returned to remove the Southampton captain - Main taking a tumbling catch in the covers. There was time for one more wicket as Jagesh refused a catch at mid-off but instead threw down the stumps at the non-striker’s end as the same batsman struggled to pinch a single. After 36 overs Southampton declared on 184-8.

RUASCC need 185 runs to win

The reply began in cautious fashion as the opening bowler achieved what RUASCC hadn’t managed all afternoon: a maiden over. Several more followed as Ward and Eagle played themselves in but then in the tenth over, with score on 21, Ward attempted an expansive drive and dragged onto his stumps for nine. Dip came in at three, played a glorious drive through the covers for four but soon fell LBW for six.

The cause was further impeded by a sudden injury to Eagle who was rendered useless by leg cramp and had to leave the field. In a line-up of ten players featuring only four recognised batsmen we could barely afford to spare one, and the sight of Bruce Main coming in at number five did little to reassure the rest of us.

Having scored just 33 runs in the first 15 overs it seemed unlikely that RUASCC would find the other 152 in the final 20, but Main gave it a pretty good go. After he took 16 from one over with four punishing boundaries Carpenter began the next with two fours of his own and Main added another as the pair reached their fifty partnership and brought the required run rate to less than ten an over for the first time in what seemed like years.

When Main (34) was bowled by Shibasis, Eagle returned to the crease simply to annoy Stewart who was scheduled to be next in. However, hampered by an elbow injury he was unable to add to his score and retired hurt again with the score at 100-3. This possibly makes Eagle the first RUASCC batsman to retire hurt twice in an innings with two separate injuries but both times on the same score: 12 not out.

As the clock passed 7pm, the light remained good but the air grew cooler and the wind grew stronger. With the draw now certain, the RUASCC team, huddled up by the boundary rope freezing their knackers off, prayed for a drop of rain, an airstrike – anything to finish the game so we could all go home.

Carpenter (32 not out) and Stewart (3 not out) rattled along at one run per over for the last half hour until eventually another pointless single at the end of the 35th brought the desperate, mind-numbing misery to its inevitably tedious conclusion.

RUASCC Highlight: The moment Tranter spotted a fox on the far side of the pitch but it turned out to be small grey dog.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Bruce Main – took three wickets, two catches and top scored with a blistering 34. The only competition was from the substitute fielders.

RUASCC Team: Ward, Eagle, Dip (wkt), Carpenter, Main, Stewart, Withers, Jagesh, Tranter (capt) Ashman

Englefield (A) – 2.5.11

RUASCC 226-9
Malde 62, Zia 45

Englefield 227-2
Carpenter 1-16, Zia 1-27

RUASCC lost by 8 wickets

RUASCC headed to the picture-perfect setting of Englefield Cricket Club for their second game of the weekend with seven of the same players who earned the draw against Blewbury the day before. It was a bright, sunny day and from inside the car everything looked wonderful – until you got out into the open and a force-eight gale took your breath away. We felt for poor pensioner Ken Stewart who is especially susceptible to draughts.

Thanks to some endearingly eccentric timekeeping from Withers, a handful of players arrived at the ground only just in time to see Eagle and Carpenter striding out to the middle to open the batting. Forty seconds later and we would have missed Eagle striding back again having been bowled by the second ball of the match.

From this inauspicious start some quick runs followed. Baker, making his first appearance of 2011, got off the mark with a boundary and both he and Carpenter tucked into anything short or wide. The fifty partnership came up in the ninth over and the pair were coasting when Carpenter chipped up to mid-on from a fairly weak delivery and was caught for 23.

Zia, bearing the bruises from his innings the day before, set off in his usual fashion but before long he lost his partner as Baker, on 43, cut straight to cover when looking set for a big score. RUASCC were 92-3 after 16 overs and another fine partnership followed with Zia and Malde at the crease. Englefield rotated their bowlers with several young kids getting involved so Chan did the only decent thing and dispatched them over the mid-wicket fence at regular intervals. But with two batsmen looking set and averaging ten runs per over, another wicket was given away: Zia this time directed a thick edge straight to gully on 45.

Greenhalf came in at number six on the back of a golden duck at Blewbury and he instantly banished the memory of that failure by doing exactly the same thing again. He was cleaned up first ball by Deacon who was then denied his hatrick by Adam Seymour edging two runs through the slips. Seymour went on to play an important part in a 55-run stand during which Chan reached a fifty including two sixes and seven fours. Eventually Seymour was bowled for 11 and his wicket prompted a collapse that saw RUASCC go from 196-5 to 213-9. Chan edged behind for 62 attempting the Dilscoop, Jagesh went lbw attempting something equally extravagant and Dr Ashman was bowled for 0 going for a big shot that was definitely there to be hit.

This brought together the rather desperate pairing of Pensioner Ken Stewart and specialist nightwatchman Keith Withers with three overs remaining. Predictably nothing much happened for a while but Withers clubbed two fours in the final over to drag the total up to 226-9 at tea.

Englefield need 227 runs to win

Fans of the cricket world cup will remember the quarter final when England posted 229 against Sri Lanka and thought they might have just done enough - then lost by ten wickets. Well, RUASCC lost this one by eight but it was equally convincing. The home side reached 105-0 after the first 20 overs then even after Zia did get a slightly dubious lbw decision the next pair added 65 largely due to opening batsman Samad who raced to a ton.

Carpenter brought himself on and took a wicket with his first ball – Eagle taking a good low catch at short mid-wicket – but by then Englefield only needed 37 to win with plenty of overs to spare. By the end Samad was seeing the ball like a hot air balloon, thumping it to every part of the boundary off every bowler, and finished unbeaten on 130. When only six runs were needed, Malde came on to bowl and four balls later it was all over.

So after three games that’s one win, one draw and one defeat for RUASCC in 2011, and despite the results this was an enjoyable weekend of cricket. Not a bad effort from a group of players who are barely fit enough to play one game a week, let alone two.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Split between Johnny Baker and Chan Malde – both batted and fielded well, Baker with the gloves and Chan at cover point.

RUASCC Team: Eagle, Carpenter (capt), Baker (wkt), Zia, Chan, Greenhalf, Seymour, Stewart, Jagesh, Ashman, Withers

RUASCC Worrying Bowling Stat: In two matches RUASCC bowled 74.4 overs and took only six wickets (including one run out) for 448 runs. That gives an “economy” rate of exactly a run a ball and hence both a bowling average and a strike rate of 74.67.

Blewbury (A) – 1.5.11

Blewbury 221-4 dec
Zia 2-57, Main 1-41

RUASCC 191-7
Carpenter 65, Zia 48

Match drawn.

The annual trip to Blewbury is always an enjoyable one despite RUASCC’s dreadful record at the ground - it’s the sort of place where you can turn up at 2pm and the home skipper is enjoying his fourth can of Red Stripe before the coin is even tossed. Two years ago the whole team were in the middle of a weekend-long stag do and they still won by eight wickets despite most of them not having slept the night before.

We were told in advance that the match would be played on a brand new astroturf strip which didn’t seem like great news for the bowlers. The predictable bounce and lack of sideways movement off the carpet makes a batsman’s job a lot easier and as it turned out the artificial wicket produced 412 runs in 70 overs and, ultimately, a draw.

RUASCC’s hopes of not losing the match were boosted when Blewbury won the toss and opted to bat first. In a timed game the team batting second always has the option of shutting up shop and playing for the draw if the run chase doesn’t look on, and taking all ten wickets on an astroturf pitch takes some doing, even against RUASCC.

Withers and Main began tidily and Blewbury were 14-1 in the sixth over when Main trapped Fish lbw (yes, I know). That’s about when things stopped going well for RUASCC as the second wicket pair put on 105 in 20 overs, helped in part by some charitably inept fielding. First Main put down a chance off his own bowling then debutant Muhammed failed to cling on at mid-off, but worse was to come when a dreadful miscue came down just off the square without a single fielder making a positive move towards it.

Unlikely as it sounds, it was a brilliant piece of fielding that eventually ran out Grist for 49 as Main threw superbly from the long off boundary. In the next over Zia clean bowled the new batsman and RUASCC were suddenly threatening a comeback. Unfortunately Southwell was in full swing and in just eight overs Blewbury added another 80 runs for the fourth wicket. The dry, bumpy outfield provided a convenient excuse for some dreadful ground fielding and a lot of heads seemed to go down during this passage of play. It was a relief when Zia took a simple return catch to remove Ainsworth for 27.

Can I just say what a pleasure it is to be writing this report with the scorebook next to me – for once I don’t have to pluck the numbers from my own addled memory.

Pensioner Ken Stewart bowled the final over of the innings and Southwell, on 97, lofted the first delivery high in the air towards Withers on the mid-wicket boundary but he somehow managed to drop it because he’s a useless twat. Southwell reached his century two balls later, the over ended up costing 14 and Blewbury declared on 221-4 at tea.

RUASCC need 222 runs to win

With Ward missing due to injury, Eagle and Carpenter opened the batting and raced along to 28-0 after four overs thanks to nicely placed byes. However, two wickets in two balls threatened to derail the innings as Eagle (4) and Greenhalf (0) were bowled in near-identical fashion. Zia survived the hatrick ball and the fun began as 86 runs were added in the next ten overs. Clearly enjoying some short bowling on the flat wicket, Carpenter brutally cut and pulled and raced to fifty with his eleventh boundary. While the partnership lasted RUASCC were favourites to win the match, but on 65 Carpenter miscued a pull shot and the grateful wicketkeeper simply had to wait for the ball to drop into his gloves.

Zia continued to accumulate despite being hampered by an absence of stamina, and with Dip also suffering with the aches and pains of a wicketkeeper there was a distinct lack of urgency between the wickets as the pair added another 34 walks. Zia had one lucky escape when the Blewbury captain misjudged a high catch in a rather RUASCC-like manner and wore it on the sternum – you could hear the thud all around the ground. The tide turned again when Zia missed a straight one on 48 and Muhammed’s first ball as a RUASCC batsman saw him clean bowled. For the second time in the innings there was a hatrick ball to defend and this time it was Bruce Main who held firm. At 148-5 the win was looking less likely and when Dip (14) was bowled by a beauty from Southwell the run chase was formally off the table. Some of RUASCC’s batting was making the pristine artificial wicket look like the fourth day at Headingly after a rain break.

To Trant’s obvious dismay Main still had time for a bit of a swing and he hit three fours on his way to 19 before he tried to hook a short ball and mimicked Carpenter’s earlier dismissal. With 39 needed from three overs, Tranter and Stewart (combined age of 131) had little to do but seal the draw. In the final over, Trant even had a good bold swipe for four down the ground, an act of pure hypocrisy that many in the RUASCC ranks will take a long time to forget.

RUASCC Highlight: Bruce’s excellent throw for the run out that finally ended the second wicket stand.

RUASCC Man of the Match: Ian Carpenter for his exhilarating innings of 65.

RUASCC Team: Eagle, Carpenter, Greenhalf, Zia, Dip (wkt), Muhammed, Main, Stewart, Tranter (capt), Ashman, Withers

Keiwit Match Stats: Wickets 0; Runs 0; Catches 0

Middlesex v Surrey (Lords) – 29.4.11

It was decided several months ago that on the 29th of April a small group of us would get up early in the morning, pack a picnic and catch a train into London to celebrate the wedding of Kate and William by watching some cricket at Lord’s.

I’m not particularly anti-Royal but there are many things I would rather do than watch a wedding. Cleaning the fridge is one. That said, a lot of other people seem to think it’s all jolly wonderful and that’s great. Popular opinion suggests that most men would like to give one to a young lady named Pippa but that’s probably as much information as I need. Incidentally, I do find it odd when people say the wedding makes them proud to be British, but then I tend to agree with George Bernard Shaw: “patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.” So Prince William got married, should that make me proud to be a man with rapidly thinning hair?

So regardless of all that, I do believe that when circumstances give you a Friday off work it is important to spend the day doing something you enjoy, and watching the third day of a county cricket game with Dr Andy and the other Dr Andy seemed to fit the bill.

Unfortunately for us the match wasn’t set up very well. Having allowed Middlesex to amass 445 in the first innings, Surrey were bowled out for just 203 in 56 overs on Thursday afternoon. Following on, they had lost another two wickets (Brown and De Bruyn were the unlucky men dismissed twice in one day) and at the start of play they still needed 208 runs just to make Middlesex bat again.

Now, I must confess that the lovely Mrs Keiwit finds cricket rather boring, and after the two sessions I saw today it is difficult to argue otherwise. Surrey began the day in a dreadful position, reached lunch in a hopeless position and failed to survive until tea – losing by an innings and 42 runs. At no stage was it dramatic or exciting, there were no moments of individual brilliance and the power never shifted away from the bowling side. It was never more than pleasantly engaging - something to focus on while the two-litre bottle of “diet coke” slipped down all too easily.

Opening batsman Gary Wilson began the day on 11 not out, with occasional England wicketkeeper Steven Davies on 20. Both had been dismissed for ducks in the first innings and both seemed to be approaching the second dig with a fair degree of caution – as would I if I saw 6’8” Steven Finn steaming in towards me! At the other end West Indian fast bowler Corey Collymore caused all sorts of trouble, beating the bat on numerous occasions. Runs were hard to come by but neither bowler forced a breakthrough in that opening spell.

It was the second bowling change that brought the day’s first wicket: 23-year-old Toby Roland-Jones may have seemed like a less frightening prospect but he immediately found the edge of Wilson’s bat to end his 83-ball resistance. And 73-3 soon became 73-4 as Surrey skipper Hamilton-Brown went for a duck. Surrey’s second innings was heading the same way as the first.

Now, I don’t favour either of the two sides and I just wanted to see as much cricket as possible, so naturally I was supporting the Surrey batsmen, willing them to stick around and make a few runs. Davies passed fifty and looked solid, but all the way through he seemed to be the only one up for the fight - one after another his teammates reached double figures then gave their wicket away – Maynard 11, Batty 17, Jordan 22, Arafat 16 – all stayed in long enough to get a look at the bowling but none ever quite settled.

I was particularly disappointed when Chris Jordan got out. He’d faced 47 balls and hit four boundaries (including one superb straight drive) before chasing a wide one and edging to the keeper. Come on boy, you’ve got the talent, you’ve done the hard bit, now build an innings!

After Jordan went, Davies seemed to realise his chances of reaching a century were slipping away fast. He clipped one delightful six over mid-wicket off spinner Ollie Rayner and pulled Dexter for four in the next over, but having reached 94 he perhaps got carried away and played onto his stumps, the eighth wicket to fall.

It wasn’t long before Arafat edged to slip to give Roland-Jones his third wicket and leave Surrey 200-9. With four balls left before tea numbers ten and eleven met at the crease, Surrey still needed 42 to make Middlesex bat again and there was still the fourth day to think about. As the two men met in the middle, how do you think the conversation went?

A) Let’s just see out the over.
B) If we take this ten runs at a time we can make this annoying for them.
C) Just have a swing mate – we’ll be in the pub by five.

The next delivery was short and Dernbach tried to hook it, missing the ball completely. Next up he tried the same again, made contact but spooned it straight to gully and the match was over. So, option C it was then. I don’t suppose they really had a choice. What were they ever going to achieve? There was nothing left to fight for, so the young man had a swing. I was really hoping cricket would be the winner, but in the end, inevitably, it was Middlesex.

When I got home this evening I turned on the TV and was met with pictures of the Royal couple kissing on a balcony. I instantly turned over to the Indian Premier League because, frankly, even the worst kind of cricket is still better than a Royal Wedding.