Ken Stewart – A Birthday Message

No match for RUASCC over the bank holiday so I thought it might be a nice opportunity to offer this birthday tribute to Pensioner Ken Stewart, who, if his luck’s in, will turn 72 this week.

I apologise now for any factual errors and omissions in the narrative which are entirely caused by the fact that I only met him for the first time last year.

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Early Life

Like the Second World War, Ken Stewart began in 1939. And like the Second World War, Ken Stewart has caused misery to thousands of grieving widows all over London Town.

Born in Scotland at a young age, Baby Ken was used successfully to scare the Nazis away from Hadrian’s Wall. His achievements were the inspiration behind the Hitchcock horror The Wee Thing which was deservedly a massive failure. The child star was given a single penny for his share of the royalties which he kept in a sock underneath his pillow until long after the sock was worth more than the penny.

As a child Ken was raised on a diet of tripe and asbestos which he watered down with condensation sucked from lampposts and parked bicycles, giving him the robust constitution which serves him well to this day.

The Middle Ages

At the tender age of 14 Ken built his first house out of maize. His vulnerable new home was soon threatened by a big bad wolf who huffed and puffed but soon realised he didn’t huff and puff as much as Ken does. Eventually they declared a truce and went into business selling pork products. Tiring of the business world Ken joined the Merchant Navy where he was employed primarily as an anchor.

A keen footballer until the age of 65, Ken was distraught when he realised he was no longer fit enough to play at exactly the same time he became entitled to cheaper bus fares to get to the games.

“Cricket”

Ken has enjoyed an exceptional cricketing career as a left-arm donkey dropper and right-hand number ten stodge-bucket.

In February 1979, a few months before Ken’s 40th birthday, I was born at the Royal Berkshire Hospital in Reading, setting off a chain of events that would eventually lead to me calling him a useless, miserable, short-arsed tosser in the summer of 2010. After joining RUASCC at the age of 70 he soon won the Young Player of the Year Award after a match-saving 46 not out against Britwell Salome that he simply will not shut the fuck up about.

With senility now well and truly settling in, Ken is becoming more forgetful and also more forgetful. He lost a brand new sweater during a match earlier this season but to his credit he rarely ever mentions it.

On 22nd May 2011 Ken made a diving stop at short mid-wicket from which his friends feared he may never recover. He is now heading for a well-deserved period of rest and recuperation at his golf course in Spain, giving us all a very welcome break from his incessant whinging.

Happy Birthday Kenny.