Monday 26 May 2014

Greys Green (A) – 24.5.14


Match called off due to rain

On the 2nd of August 1923 a man named Warren Harding was unfortunate enough to keel over and die in a hotel room in California.  This was rather a shame of course; he was only 57 years old and away on holiday with his wife, but what marks his death out as significant is that at the time Warren Harding was the sitting President of the United States.

What tends to follow in these circumstances is that power passes to the Vice President, give or take a few constitutional recitals, but the Vice President at the time, Calvin Coolidge, was also on holiday (well, it was August).  Coolidge was staying at his father’s house in Vermont, about as far from California as it is possible to get and still be on American soil.

It was after midnight in Vermont when a telephone call was received at a general store near the Coolidge home.  The store was the only place in town with a telephone, but remarkably there was someone at the store awake enough to receive the phone call and deliver the message to Coolidge that he had been promoted.  Having been thus rudely awakened President Coolidge was sworn in the same night by the light of a kerosene lamp (there was no electricity in the house).

Why, you might ask, am I telling a story about an incident that only Kenny is old enough to remember?  Well, my point is that even in the early 20th century, and in a country as vast as the United States, when you really need to get a message to someone, there are ways of getting it done.

Let’s fast forward to south-east England, 2014.  We have smartphones, we have laptops; we have email, texts and phone calls.  We also have Facebook and Twitter.  We have cars, lots of cars.  If anything there are TOO MANY ways to send a simple message between one person and another, which makes it all the more mystifying that such a fundamental breakdown in communication could occur between the fixture secretaries of Greys Green CC and RUASCC this weekend.

A solitary email was sent from one party to the other saying, and I may be paraphrasing here, “it’s been shitting it down with rain for the last 48 hours so we’re calling the game off.”  The email was not read or acknowledged; the message was effectively lost.  Eleven RUASCC players turned up at Greys Green to be met with… nothing but each other.  I arrived a bit late for the scheduled start time, fully expecting to have to sprint onto the pitch to bowl the first over.  10 minutes later I was back in the car heading home - it was the fourth game of the season to be lost to the weather.

Recently a young man named Gary Turk published a video encouraging everyone to “Look Up” from their phones and laptops and to engage with the real world around them, his argument being that too many people spend too much time on social media and not enough time being social.  The irony is that his video has racked up nearly 40 million YouTube views and he’s gained several thousand followers on Twitter, but I like to think that Mr Turk's message would have encouraged someone to pick up the phone and talk to someone about Saturday’s match being cancelled rather than leaving a note in cyberspace with no confirmation of receipt.

As it happens I don’t entirely agree with Mr Turk’s thesis.  Yes of course we shouldn’t ignore other people for the sake of the electronic devices, but that’s technological progress and, as ever, people need to think for themselves to find the right balance.  Presumably Mr Turk will also be producing videos telling us to “Back Away” from microwave ovens or “Whatever you do don’t fly that aeroplane”.  And let’s not forget that, on the whole, real people are pretty awful.  I mean, some of them actually vote for UKIP.

There is of course a video response to the “Look Up” video, called “Look Down” which I thoroughly recommend.

Wednesday 14 May 2014

Warborough (A) – 11.5.14


Warborough 142-7 dec.
Withers 3-35, Asim 2-17

RUASCC 114-9
Eagle 31, Dip 17, Ward 13

Match drawn

After the frequent torrential rain of the previous day the weather stayed considerably more settled on Sunday afternoon, a fact which allowed us to complete a tense, hard-fought and ultimately unsuccessful game of cricket.

Upon winning the toss with only 8 players present, Eagle naturally decided to field.  Realising this would leave us rather exposed the skipper did at least manage to delay the start for 15 minutes by repeatedly looking over at the car park and muttering to himself, and it was only when this proved unsustainable that we eventually got underway.  It was a further 20 minutes before the rest of the team arrived and we soon learned there had been a postcode problem: they couldn’t work out why Eagle had given them a postcode that took them to Benson, while Eagle couldn’t work out why they went to Benson looking for Warborough Cricket Club.

The combination of Withers and Asim managed figures of 5-52 from 25 overs, but even with a full team we hardly distinguished ourselves in the field.  One of Warborough’s opening batsmen later admitted he had finished “46 for 5” having been dropped twice by Ward and once by Withers, then seen an edge fly off Ashman’s knee at slip before he was finally bowled by Asim.  Eagle had already dropped the other opener, and later Weeks and Withers both dropped the guy who finished on 34 not out - Withers opting on this occasion to stop the ball with his throat.  I can’t make sense of it; some days we genuinely look like we know what we’re doing, other days we look like a team born without hands.

Worse was to come, however, because we still had to bat.  If our fielding was a headache, our batting was a pounding migraine complete with dizziness, swirling lights and dry, uncontrollable vomiting.  We certainly weren’t helped by a wet pitch and a slow outfield, but while we’re scooping full tosses straight to fielders or getting ourselves run out it makes it hard to blame it all on the condition of the grass.  I must confess a significant amount of self-interest here, but I’d really rather prefer it if no one got out at all.  As most of you are aware, my ideal day is just bowling a few overs, taking a few wickets and then sitting in the sun with my scorebook while you guys go and win the game.  I don’t want to have to bat, it makes me confused and frightened.

Once Salman, Asim and Daman had all been bowled by Tilley (on his way to taking 5-27) it was left to Ashman and Withers to block out the last couple of overs, which Ashman attempted to do by edging cheerfully through short extra cover.  Despite his best efforts the match was saved and gives RUASCC a season record of three cancellations, two losing draws and one demoralising defeat.

Only one point worth adding is that if I’d known how much the home side were going to charge us for tea I would have eaten a hell of a lot more of it.

RUASCC Highlight:  No, not really.

RUASCC Man of the Match:  For bowling a productive 16-over spell and then having the final say in saving the draw, it’s Keith Withers.

RUASCC Team:  Ward, Eagle (capt), Fawaz, Acres, Dip (wkt), Weeks, Salman, Asim, D. Singh, Ashman, Withers

BBC Caversham (A) – 10.5.14


Match called off due to rain

I can’t pretend to be disappointed that this one was cancelled as I wasn’t down to play anyway; I’d opted to play football as my team had a cup final the same afternoon.  As it turned out I was an unused substitute so all I’d done in effect was to give up not playing cricket for the chance to not play football instead.  And then we lost the cup final, in apocalyptic rain, so what a brilliant day that was.

Incidentally, this summer brings an end to my mediocre footballing career.  I’m retiring from the Saturday league after four hugely enjoyable seasons (and one memorable goal) with Brookside St Laurence, an immensely talented group who somehow managed to achieve top 3 finishes every year despite never training together.  The fact is, at 35, I’m starting to feel off the pace, a bit of a liability – my fear of making a catastrophic error now far outweighs any anticipation of doing something amazing.  I’m by no means unfit (I’m training to run a marathon in October) but I never had that much talent to begin with and if I lose any more sharpness they might as well replace me with a wheelie bin.

I’m the oldest player in the team, I’ve got used to that.  I may not be completely useless but I’m not first choice for any position.  I’m still capable of doing a limited kind of job in the right circumstances, and no one doubts my willingness for the team to succeed.

Basically, I’m Ken.  I’m the Ken Stewart of my football team.

At the time of writing I have one last league game still to play then I’ll cast the football boots aside and turn instead to my running shoes.  They say you know when it’s time to go, and I’ve realised for a little while now that I look forward to a long, gentle run down the towpath a lot more than I relish the thought of trying to stop teenagers scoring goals.  There’s a kid in our league I used to babysit – he got married last year.  One of our players was born in 1998 for crying out loud.  Being around these people is bound to make me feel old.

I don’t worry though.  If I ever want to feel young and athletic again I simply turn up and play for RUASCC.

Tuesday 6 May 2014

Englefield (A) – 5.5.14


Englefield 152 all out (39.5 overs)
Karthee 2-19, Withers 2-26, Ashman 2-30, Main 2-35

RUASCC 147-8 (40 overs)
Ward 56, Eagle 30, Greenhalf 15

RUASCC lost by 5 runs

Everything hurts.  My back, my shoulder, my arms, the defeat… it all feels bad this morning.  Two games in two days after seven months without bowling a ball has proved too much for this torso - I don’t even want to cough for fear of structural disintegration.  And it’s not just me, I’ve heard a similar story from Wardy who can barely move following two consecutive fifties and 39.5 overs of keeping wicket.

But even in our discomfort we must spare a thought for Bruce Main.  Bowling the final over of the Englefield innings to an agricultural but very powerful hitter, Main instinctively stuck out his left hand to stop a blistering straight drive that would probably have amputated a weaker limb.  You know it’s a bad one when the big Kiwi shows any kind of pain, but after a few moments of choice Maori curses he picked up the ball, took the final wicket and strode off the pitch to get some ice.  Soon the hand was swollen and had gone a shade of dark grey I’ve never seen before.

Two hours later, with the RUASCC response in dire need of impetus, Bruce was persuaded to pick up his bat and see if he could hit a few boundaries to get us over the line.  A one-handed Bruce, the thinking seemed to go, is still better than a two-handed Tranter, Ashman or Withers.  It wasn’t to be.  Main was bowled off the last ball of the match when only a six would have done, and our first defeat of the season was sealed.


It had all started so well.  On a warm sunny day, on a pitch situated in a deer park and overlooked by Englefield House, Withers opened with a wicket maiden and life was perfect.  We were, for a short time, unsettled by some impressive batting from a young man who we soon learned plays for Jersey - the Channel Island.  The kid was an international.  Jersey are currently ranked 36th in the world by the ICC – that’s the level we’re talking about here.  Anyway, Zia got him out and the rest of the innings progressed smoothly until the last two wickets added 50 to boost the score.

Chasing 153 to win a 40-over game shouldn’t present many problems to a team that won 14 matches last year, and when Eagle and Ward posted 78 for the first wicket it all seemed to be going according to plan.  But wickets tumbled and runs dried up against persistently accurate bowling and as a result we came up agonisingly short.

Sadly for the owners of the Englefield Estate, Sir William Benyon (strongly connected to Reading University himself) passed away in the week leading up to the game hence the flags of the house and pavilion were at half-mast.  He was 84, which we cricketers would refer to as a good innings.

One hopes that no one will be put in the same unfortunate position as the Earl of Lonsdale who has this week been forced to put one of his favourite mountains up for sale to settle an inheritance tax bill.  Blencathra, in the Lake District, is on the market for a mere £1.75m and with the new owner also assuming the title of “Lord of the Manor of Threlkeld” this is sure to be a hot topic of speculation at food banks up and down the country.

RUASCC Highlight:  Andy Greenhalf continues to provide many of the on-pitch highlights this season.  For the second match in a row he got off the mark with a six, and his stylish one-handed catch at mid-wicket epitomised his display in the field.

RUASCC Man of the Match:  It’s Ward again, and it will keep being Ward until someone else does something useful.

RUASCC Team:  Ward (wkt), Eagle (capt), Jas Singh, Zia, Malde, Greenhalf, Karthee, Main, Tranter, Ashman, Withers

Blewbury (A) – 4.5.14


Blewbury 194-7 dec.
Baker 2-34, Waqar 2-37, Withers 2-45

RUASCC 161-7
Ward 67, Dip 22, Eagle 15

Match drawn

CRICKET!  We played cricket!

As Andy Eagle handed out the fixture cards before the game I was reminded that I now hold the exalted position of RUASCC Vice-Captain.  I realised almost immediately that I have very little idea of what this means at a practical level but I resolved to go out and play the game a tad more authoritatively just in case.  The first indication of how this went across with my subordinates teammates was when Johnny Baker suggested I was acting "a bit cocky”, so maybe there’s still some PR work to be done.

While we’re talking about Baker, I should mention that our attempts to at least pretend to be a professional cricket outfit rather failed at the first hurdle: he’d forgotten to bring any shoes.  Kenny Stewart came to the rescue at the expense of his own dignity, generously handing Johnny his trainers and hence having to take the field himself in a pair of tan leather brogues.  It was an odd look but still far superior to the purple trousers he’d been sporting minutes before.

Last year’s win, in particular Waqar’s winning boundary, was mentioned more than a few times before play began, to the extent that those who’d never played at Blewbury before soon felt as if they had.  Eagle won the toss and chose to field, and looking back at the 2013 match report I notice Blewbury played almost exactly the same innings again - indeed there are some striking statistical similarities which I would be delighted to talk you through sometime.  This time, however, RUASCC’s reply merely coasted along to finish with a comfortable draw rather than a very uncomfortable win.

As RUASCC fielding performances go this one wasn’t awful.  Withers only went for one boundary in his 11 overs, a result that probably owed more to the long grass in the outfield than anything else.  Newcomer Karthee bowled with pace and picked up a debut wicket and Waqar put in a typically solid stint.  Several shots went in the air but very few were catchable, in fact only two good chances went down: Withers off his own bowling and much later Eagle at deep mid-wicket.  The low point was probably the one that fell halfway between Stewart and Ward with neither player fully committed.

Ward duly redeemed himself with the bat, although I was distracted for some of the early part of his innings by three screaming infants around the scorer’s table (actual babies I mean, not referring to my teammates on this occasion).  This led to the first instance I can remember of my view being partially obstructed by a breastfeeding mother; I’ve never had to pretend so much that I was watching a game that I was genuinely watching.

Had Ward been slightly better supported we might have come close to winning the game.  Eagle was perhaps unlucky to be given out off a bump ball and Baker ran himself out going for a second when, by his own admission, he didn’t know where the ball was.  Can’t blame Kenny’s shoes for that one.

Pointless Statistic:  RUASCC’s first three wicket stands were 44, 44 and 4.  All but one of the completed partnerships were divisible by 4 (28, 20, 16 and the odd one out, 5).  Yes I am married, why do you ask?

RUASCC Man of the Match:  The scorecard would have looked decidedly empty without Ward’s half-century.

RUASCC Team:  Ward, Eagle (capt), Baker, Weeks, Dip (wkt), Greenhalf, Nadeem, Karthee, Stewart, Waqar, Withers